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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361757">Dog Days</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanau/pseuds/aanau'>aanau</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Post-Canon, Recovery, Service Dogs, Therapy, canon divergent from i am my monster, steven gets a ptsd service dog</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:09:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23361757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanau/pseuds/aanau</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A dog would rebuild his confidence and self esteem. He’d feel needed, being able to take care of something. He’d get unconditional love and support from someone always there, not like other people who had their own lives to attend to and couldn’t possibly be there for him every time he needed someone. </p><p>A service dog would pick up on his panic attacks and flashbacks before they could spiral. It would lower his abnormally high blood pressure, it would help with his serotonin levels, it would get him out of the house and exercising to walk and play with it, and much more.</p><p>And, most of all in terms of making up for Greg’s shortcomings as a parent, it would make Steven feel human again.</p><p>COVER ART BY KERRY @suf-fering.tumblr.com</p><p>**INDEFINITE HIATUS**</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Steven Universe &amp; Everybody</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>232</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>647</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger warning for PTSD, anxiety attacks, depression, suicidal ideation, and intrusive thoughts. Nothing too extreme, as this is a comfort fic, but be warned. This fic focuses a lot on mental illness, and so there’s some heavy stuff, but it’s about recovery.</p><p>This was originally written after Fragments, but you can say it's canon divergent from I Am My Monster, though I'm imagining that episode with a more serious tone, and this fic takes an approach to canon that could only be taken in fanfic (more focus on recovery and the highs and lows, more focus on mental illness and the consequences on Steven's psyche that canon has). But this is all about comfort to deal with Steven’s trauma and abuse, with a service dog helping Steven through some of those lows. </p><p>I know Lion is Right There, but I have many reasons why I wanted to write a dog, besides my own bias as a dog person. Lion can be an emotional support animal, but a trained service dog can do things and help Steven in ways Lion, who does his own thing most of the time, can’t.</p><p>Fun fact, the dog’s name is a reference to a movie I watched a lot as a kid called Good Boy, and it has some major thematic parallels with Steven Universe with aliens coming to conquer earth but falling in love with it instead. Only the aliens are dogs who befriended humans, against their leader’s commands. Cute stuff. Cute kids’ movie.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dogs were expensive, and a service dog was exponentially more so with the initial cost of adoption being in the twenty thousands range. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Greg was glad he never spent money on a house or a new van or anything huge, because he could afford this. He paid for the best therapist for Steven around, and he would pay for this. Even if he couldn’t, he’d exhaust every option to help his son.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He brought up the idea of a dog to Steven a few times. He was not a fan. In fact, he snapped at him every time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I’m already going to therapy. I don’t need a dog! I don’t want one! </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whenever Greg pushed for his reasons (because he knew Steven had reasons, but he wanted him to verbalize them), he’d go pink and storm off before anything worse could happen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He still did research on the side, determined about this option. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A dog would rebuild his confidence and self esteem. He’d feel needed, being able to take care of something. He’d get unconditional love and support from someone always there, not like other people who had their own lives to attend to and couldn’t possibly be there for him every time he needed someone. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A service dog would pick up on his panic attacks and flashbacks before they could spiral. It would lower his abnormally high blood pressure, it would help with his serotonin levels, it would get him out of the house and exercising to walk and play with it, and much more.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And, most of all in terms of making up for Greg’s shortcomings as a parent, it would make Steven feel human again. Greg never had a dog, but he knew the bond between dogs and people (or any animal, for that matter) was one of the most human experiences around.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was another human experience he had deprived his son of.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One day when Steven came home from the therapist, on a day Pearl drove him, he sat down on the couch next to him, where he was looking into another company on his laptop.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(The laptop was new, but it was cheap. He needed something to do research if he wanted to stay on top of things to help his son.) </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven sighed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s up, kiddo? How’d it go today?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven grumbled. He was always grumbling his thoughts so no one would hear him. He wondered if he still did so with his therapist, or if he had finally made progress after a month and four sessions. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Say that again?” Greg requested.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll get a dog!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven crossed his arms and sunk into the cushion. His mouth was a tight line.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Really? That’s great! I really think it’d help. What, uh,” Greg scratched his beard, “what changed your mind?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nothing. I just talked about why I didn’t want one with Dr. Allan and she said I was being stupid.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg tried not to scoff, “She didn’t say that, did she?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven blushed (a normal blush, no neon pink here), “No, but it felt like it,” he mumbled. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re not stupid. I bet you have really good, important reasons,” he paused, “Do <em> you </em> think your reasons are stupid?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven shook his head and sat up more, “No! I’m being totally reasonable!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then...do you wanna tell me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg scooted closer and mentally crossed his fingers. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I…” Steven sighed and hid his face in his hands as he compiled his thoughts. Then, he moved his hands to his arms in a self hug.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t want to hurt it. And I don't deserve one. And I don’t even treat Lion or Cat Steven all that nice. They don’t even like to be around me anymore ‘cause I’m such a--I’m so...mean to them.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg knew he wasn’t <em> mean </em> to them. He knew he got frustrated when Cat Steven would knock things over and make a loud noise, or when Lion would disappear when he needed to visit Connie (Steven hated driving nowadays, and Greg wasn’t sure he’d let him, anyway) and he’d come back when it was too late. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Steven was never <em> mean </em>; he just didn’t trust himself. So he chased them out of his space when they were too close, and raised his voice at them and pushed them off him when they jumped on him for affection. It was the physical, overt equivalent of what he did to his family emotionally. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I think a dog, a trained service one that belongs to you, would be a different experience. Cat Steven is Garnet’s, and Lion is...well Lion isn’t exactly a pet.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg looked into service cats, as well, knowing Steven had a preference for them, but there was no such thing. Cats could be great emotional support animals, but they couldn’t be trained in the same way a dog could be for someone with a physical or mental disability.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg started listing off things excitedly on his fingers, trying to regulate his enthusiasm in a way that sold the idea but didn’t make Steven feel unheard for his concerns.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A service dog could help you with your panic attacks and anger issues, remind you to take care of yourself, or wake you from nightmares, maybe guide you out of a room or to a less stressful location when you’re overwhelmed, and it could give you something meaningful to do! To take care of!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven rolled his eyes, “Yeah, she said so, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So you wanna go for it? We’ll arrange for a trial period, so we don’t have to make a commitment. We can just spend a day with a dog and see how it is!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven sighed again, “No, I really don’t want to, but I’ll try.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He <em> really </em> didn’t want to. All those feelings, those fears, that he’d hurt it, that he didn’t deserve the love and affection with how awful a person he is, that he didn’t deserve the chance to get better, all tore at his brain. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>But he’d do anything to make up to his family for all the trouble he was worth. They wanted him to get better, so yes, he’ll try. Anything to avoid hurting them more. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg brought home the best PTSD service dog he could find in the state to suit Steven’s needs and personality. A three-year-old goldendoodle with golden brown wavy fur named Hubble.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(All the perks of a golden retriever and a poodle! Smart, intuitive, affectionate, athletic, non-shedding, and hypoallergenic!) </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven stood up from the couch and gripped the shirt around his gem, his classic uncertainty gesture. He was still in his pajamas, at three in the afternoon, but the gems had clearly done a good job by luring him out to play a board game with them. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Here’s Hubble, Steven, he’s a cutie and he’s super nice.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven froze.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Amethyst had been grinning when the dog walked in, a lover of animals, but now she wore a subdued smile as seconds ticked by.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Go on, dude, pet that doggo before I beat you to it!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll just,” he began, before lowering himself to his knees, and holding out a shaky hand, “let him come to me. I don’t wanna scare him, you know?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s not afraid of you, buddy, he loves people!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven shook his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg knew what self deprecating thoughts Steven was cycling through right now. He could read it on his son’s face. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> But I’m not ‘people,’ not ‘human,’ he’s a stupid dog who doesn’t know diddly squat what I am and what damage I can do.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg unclipped the leash and watched Hubble carefully approach. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The dog took one sniff of Steven’s hand and licked it. Steven flinched a little, before moving his hand to the top of Hubble’s head. Hubble took a few steps closer, easing his way into Steven’s bubble as he allowed it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually he was sitting inches in front of him, and both of Steven’s hands were wrapped around his body scratching his back. His floppy tail swept across the floor. Hubble’s nose hovered just above Steven’s face, sniffing, and finally gave another lick. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven smiled, and it was like the first ray of sun after a hurricane. Greg wanted to weep at the sight. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(Not that he hadn’t smiled at all, of course, but it was still so rare nowadays, and when he did smile it was forced, a mask to hide his pain on others’ behalf. This smile was beautiful, warm and sincere.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hubble sensed the anxiety in his new owner fade and he went all in, licking his face like it was covered in peanut butter. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven laughed (Greg’s heart <em> soared </em>), “He’s so cute! Oh my gosh, he,” he stopped to laugh again, and closed his lips as the tongue went over his mouth, then laughed some more, “he won’t stop giving me little puppy kisses.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Stars, he sounded like his old self. Leave it to a cute dog to bring out childlike wonder. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hubble rolled onto his back, exposing his belly, and Steven paused with his hand hovering over him, smile dropping as instantly as it had appeared. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dogs do that when they trust you, Schtuball! He wants you to pet him.” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(They also do that to submit to threats, which he was sure crossed Steven’s mind, so he put a stop to that thought as it was forming<em> . </em>)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven nodded and hesitantly pet his tummy, swallowing a lump in his throat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> He shouldn’t trust me.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s so well-trained and docile!” Pearl mused, amazed by the things humans can do, befriending a predatory animal and domesticating them into man’s best friend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s so cute!” Amethyst beamed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He’s very intelligent,” Garnet added, “He knows exactly what to do,” she said, adjusting her visor with confidence in her perception. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven nodded in acknowledgment. He heard them loud and clear. This dog was a great idea, and he’d be a fool to let them down and turn this away. He still had his doubts, but he’d do anything for them to stop being afraid of him, stop looking at him so sadly all the time, stop worrying about how one day he might run off and never come back. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg placed down the large paper bag he was holding in his other arm and fished out some dog toys. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I also have dog food in there, and a dog brush and some dog bowls!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Lotsa dog stuff,” Steven noted.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well, there’s a lot that goes into caring for a dog. But it’ll be rewarding. I read tons of dog books and talked to some old friends about <em> their </em> dogs so I can teach you!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“That’s...a lot of responsibility.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Greg’s excitement quelled. He knelt down on the floor with him and joined him in the belly rub. Hubble’s tail wagged more at the extra attention.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know you’re afraid, Steven,” he whispered. “Do you want to tell me why?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The gems all leaned in, and of course Steven noticed. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was on a good track here, why get off of it? He had opened up to them before over the excruciatingly slow months that had passed, though rarely, so he could do it now. He had to remember his shame over sharing his (<em> stupid! </em>) problems was a learned response, and no one thought he was a burden. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m scared. I don’t think I can handle it. I can barely take care of myself. What if I let him down? Or what if I get frustrated and make him feel bad? What if I hurt him, or worse?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His breath hitched and Hubble sat up and started to lick his face again, this time earning no laughs, only big globulous tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He trusts me so much, and,” he hiccuped, “and he already loves me so much, and I don’t deserve it, or you guys. Why do any of you trust me to do this?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The gems and Greg exchanged looks, deciding how to tackle this and not say something that would make it worse.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Garnet kneeled down and placed a hand on his shoulder. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>(He hardly let anyone touch him anymore. He felt too disgusting, and he was usually on such high alert that it only made him feel threatened. But he was so starved for physical affection, and Garnet was the best person to predict if he would react well to touch. This all, of course, was all the more reason for a dog.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We all forgive you. We trust you, Steven. You owe those same graces to yourself. What happened was not your fault.<em> We </em> failed you, not the other way around. Now we’re doing our best to help you, if you’ll forgive us as well.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a variation of the same speech he got multiple times a week, but it still felt like news every time. He wanted to argue. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If he had all the awful thoughts that crossed his mind a day written down, he’d have a novel of evidence for why he was too broken for this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>(Thoughts of hurting others, hurting himself, thoughts of how worthless and tired he was, how scared.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steven sniffled, slamming that book shut for now, then gently brushed Garnet’s hand off his shoulder, glassy eyes fixed on the hardwood floor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll t-try.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning for depiction of violent intrusive thoughts.</p><p>I added cover art to chapter one! Thanks to the amazing kerry @suf-fering.tumblr.com!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eight in the morning, much earlier than how late he has been getting up recently, greeted him with a weight on his chest.</p><p> </p><p>Hubble licked his face with his fast heartbeat against Steven’s. It wasn’t an unpleasant weight (it actually felt nice), but it still was unwelcome. </p><p> </p><p>“Please not now, puppy,” Steven groaned.</p><p> </p><p>Hubble whined. </p><p> </p><p>“No!” Steven snapped, grabbing his pillow and placing it over his head. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble licked his exposed chin.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh!” Steven pushed the dog off of him and threw the covers to the side. He walked to the stairs and whipped his arm out in a dramatic gesture.</p><p> </p><p>“You wanna go outside? Ousside?” </p><p> </p><p>Hubble wagged his tail and sprinted down the steps. Steven sighed. </p><p> </p><p>He put his jacket on over his pajamas, some slippers, and grabbed a plastic bag. </p><p> </p><p>When he got downstairs, Pearl greeted him and started to make him the breakfast he’d barely eat. (At least he could share whatever massive portion she gives him with Hubble.)</p><p> </p><p>Steven watched Hubble run across the sand, sniffing every inch of the beach, chasing a seagull or two. </p><p> </p><p>After five minutes, Steven was growing impatient. </p><p> </p><p>“Just go already!” He groaned. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble lingered a few more minutes before doing his business, followed by Steven cleaning it up.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, so therapeutic, <em> Dad </em> ,” Steven yanked the knot on the plastic bag for emphasis, “cleaning up poop is just freaking <em> perfect </em> for my ‘self esteem.’” </p><p> </p><p>Hubble whined and sniffed at his belly.</p><p> </p><p>Steven jumped back and pointed a pink finger, “Hey, hey, hey! Off limits!” </p><p> </p><p>He tilted his head, then tried to approach again, nose attracted to the glowing gem through his shirt. He whined again.</p><p> </p><p>The whining and big, sweet eyes cut through his surge of fear and anger like a lighthouse through fog. The muddling world became clearer before it could become indistinguishable. He took a deep breath and knelt down to pet him. </p><p> </p><p>Angry thoughts still pervaded in the shadows, and they scared him. They told him to just kick the dog across the beach for triggering him in the first place, to yank at his ears as hard as he could for acting so sweet and innocent as if he hadn’t woken him up early just to clean up his shit and then thanked him by doing one of the things that set him off most. </p><p> </p><p>(Why was he always so angry? Well, he knew why, but <em>why</em>? He felt like something in him had broken and repaired itself all crooked and wrong.)</p><p> </p><p>The thoughts felt so real, like he had actually acted on them. He pictured Hubble whining and hurt and cowering. He pictured him bleeding and dead because of him. </p><p> </p><p>He was still pink and his heart raced and tears were forming. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Steven whispered. Then again, and a few more times. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble poked at his cheeks with his nose to catch the tears. Steven sat and pet him until his thoughts were focused on nothing other than the happy and loving dog in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>Another lick, and Steven chuckled, pink fading. Hubble paused and tilted his head again, looking down at his gem.</p><p> </p><p>”Betchu never got trained for that.”</p><p> </p><p>The waves crashed and sent a cool breeze through the already crisp morning air. The horizon was hazy, and the sun was mellow at this early hour, not too bright or hot. </p><p> </p><p>When was the last time Steven sat on the beach and actually enjoyed it? His hands absentmindedly stroked Hubble’s fur, and he took in a deep breath through his nose, taking in the scent and feeling it fill his lungs.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s my gem,” Steven explained. Hubble’s eyes tracked his movements, his ears perked in attention, as Steven lifted his shirt to reveal the diamond. Hubble’s head bobbed forward as if to go in for another sniff, but he resisted the urge.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t like people going near it, usually, but you can sniff it.”</p><p> </p><p>Hubble read his open posture and bent his neck down. His wet nose grazed across the skin around the gem a little, and Steven’s breath hitched. But he didn’t feel any pain—it actually tickled.</p><p> </p><p>He laughed, and, sensing Steven’s resolved anxiety, Hubble wagged his tail and spun around in excitement. </p><p> </p><p>“You hungry? Food?” Steven asked.</p><p> </p><p>Hubble heard the word and started towards the house, turning back to look at Steven to check if he was behind him.</p><p> </p><p>Steven took one long look at the horizon, which he hadn’t truly looked at at all for months, then followed Hubble back to the house.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This one's short. Tomorrow's is longer. After that, updates will be less frequent.</p><p>There isn't a set end or overarching plot to this story, and is more a collection of one-shots/snapshots of Steven's experience in recovery with his dog. Other characters like the gems and Connie will get more attention than a mention in upcoming chapters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seven days of walking the private section of the beach and Steven felt dissatisfied upon reaching the boardwalk and having to turn back. </p><p> </p><p>The boardwalk stretched out a mile in front of him, lined with the shops on the right and a busy summer beach on the left. </p><p> </p><p>With the laughter and seagulls like bells accenting the drumming of the waves, the smell of fries and funnel cakes, and the <em> people </em> (he missed people), the boardwalk, true to its nature, dared to be walked. </p><p> </p><p>He felt his legs be tugged at like a puppet on strings (his desire outweighed his anxiety over that familiar feeling of acting out of control) and he set one flip flop on the first set of sandy, wooden planks. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble took the lead once he was acclimated and set a steady pace. He cleared the crowd for him, his red service vest (which Pearl made him put on him before every walk) alerting people to make room for him to do his job. </p><p> </p><p>Kids pointed and asked their parents if they could pet, and naturally the parents denied the request out of respect.</p><p> </p><p>Steven was torn between an embarrassed and desperate <em> no please don’t be afraid you can pet him </em> and a protective and nervous <em> this is MY dog, stay away! </em></p><p> </p><p>Caught in the momentum and craving the human contact he’d both intentionally and unintentionally been depriving himself of, Steven opened the door to Fish Stew Pizza for lunch. </p><p> </p><p>It was packed with humans and a few gems. Most of the gems wore uniforms and waited on the stacked tables. One quartz had to shapeshift to get between them, and elongate her arm to deliver pizza across the room, it was so crowded.</p><p> </p><p>He saw Kiki gasp excitedly and she called Jenny in the kitchen. </p><p> </p><p>“STEVEN!” the curt, assertive voice of Kofi vibrated in his ears and he flinched as he slammed open the door to the kitchen. Hubble took a step in front of Steven to create a barrier between him and the approaching man. </p><p> </p><p>“Daddy!” Kiki scolded him.</p><p> </p><p>“Forgive me for shouting, Steven, but it’s been so long! We lost one of our most loyal customers!” </p><p> </p><p>Steven sighed and rubbed the back of his head, “Oh, uh. I’m real sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Kiki came out from behind the counter, “There’s no need to apologize, Steven.”</p><p> </p><p>She looked at Hubble and put her hands on her cheeks, “Oh my gosh! Who’s this cutie?”</p><p> </p><p>“Aaaaahhh! What a cute dog!” Jenny squealed, trailing in the wake of Kofi’s march from the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>Kofi grunted, “You could learn a thing or two from him. A dog is the most loyal animal! KIKI! Go make a triple cheese pizza for these two! On the house!”</p><p> </p><p>“No need to yell, Daddy,” Kiki said, noticing Steven’s tension. </p><p> </p><p>Steven waved his hands in front of him, “No, that’s really okay. I have money.”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course you do! But I’m not taking your money! What’s a few dollars to the years of loyal service?”</p><p> </p><p>“Daddy missed you,” Jenny teased in a sing-song voice.</p><p> </p><p>Kofi scowled, “Don’t accuse me of such things! Him and his gems always cause collateral damage for my business!”</p><p> </p><p>Steven blushed, but it went unnoticed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah and he’s been <em> so bored </em> without you spicing things up,” Jenny assured.</p><p> </p><p>Steven forced a chuckle, then stuffed his free hand into his pocket, his other gripping the leash tighter, “I’m so sorry about that, Kofi.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nonsense!” He blurted.</p><p> </p><p>“He means don’t worry about it,” Kiki said.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah! He’s just grumpy having all these gems around but no Steven in sight.”</p><p> </p><p>Kofi huffed, “Well if you two want to be lazy bums and leave Steven and his dog waiting here hungry, then I’ll go make the pizza myself!”</p><p> </p><p>He turned on his heel and headed back to the kitchen. Steven called out a delayed <em> thank you </em> once the door had shut.</p><p> </p><p>The twins walked with him over to the counter. Jenny jumped up to sit on it, and Kiki rushed to silence a ringing phone.</p><p> </p><p>“Won’t your dad be mad you hung up on a customer?” </p><p> </p><p>Kiki forced a smile and waved her hand dismissively, “Nah, it’s summer. We’ve got too many customers for him to notice.”</p><p> </p><p>Steven looked around the busy restaurant and realized he shouldn’t overstay his welcome. Jenny and Kiki had a lot of work to do. Jenny probably enjoyed the distraction, but Kiki was definitely stressing out over her responsibilities. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh stop your worrying!” Jenny interjected, “we both majorly need a break, and we wanna talk to you!” </p><p> </p><p>Steven jerked his attention back to the twins and smiled shakily, “Sorry. I just don't wanna bother you guys.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not a bother! Now tell us about your cute new puppy!” </p><p> </p><p>“He’s not a puppy, Jenny.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Every </em> dog is a puppy<em>, Kiki,” </em>Jenny stuck her tongue out playfully.</p><p> </p><p>Steven rubbed his cheek and smiled, “His name is Hubble. My dad got him for me last week.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aw that’s so sweet! Are you two best friends yet?” Jenny nudged. </p><p> </p><p>“Heh. No, not yet. I’m still learning how to take care of him, and he’s still learning stuff about me, I think. They don’t exactly train dogs to deal with gem problems.”</p><p> </p><p>He perked his head up and put a thumb and finger on his chin, “But maybe they could? That might be really good for some gems. Pumpkin really helped Lapis through some tough stuff.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dogs are so good! They can be trained for almost any work. I betcha Daddy would get a dog if they could be trained to deliver pizza,” Kiki laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“Dad’s got enough worker bees! We’ve got all the gems! They love helping out!”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Steven, you did an amazing job integrating all the gems into Beach City! My college friends are saying gems are starting to move to all the Delmarva beaches and they’re all doing great! This could never have gone so well without you!”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, you’re a little rockstar! Ooh! Speaking of, Sour Cream and Buck are home for the summer and we’re going to a music festival in Ocean Town next week! You could totally come with us if you want!”</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere along the line Steven felt like an outsider to his own conversation. The world around him blurred and the twins’ voices sounded tinny against the muddled background music of voices and laughter and clattering of dishes.</p><p> </p><p>He felt something warm and damp on his hand. His gaze jumped down to see Hubble licking it.</p><p> </p><p>“Steven? Are you okay? You know you don’t <em> have </em> to come! We understand. We just miss you, is all.” </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Steven responded, not quite sure what he was responding <em> to</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Jenny and Kiki looked at each other. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you wanna come hang out in the break room, Steven? It’s quiet there,” Kiki suggested.</p><p> </p><p>Something rattled over in the corner. A group of kids were rough housing at a table, and the glasses spilled. One of them seemed to roll to the edge in slow motion against a blank background. It was going to fall to the floor and break! It was going to <em> shatter </em> and go everywhere and make a big mess, and someone would hurt themselves on the shards, and--</p><p> </p><p>Everything went silent. Steven dropped the leash and sprinted through the crowded restaurant, lacing between the narrow spaces, and caught the glass midair. Everything around him was moving like molasses against his rapid heartbeat. </p><p> </p><p>And then time started again and he stood with the glass in his hand and the tables around him clapping and cheering. </p><p> </p><p>“Nice catch!”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, man!”</p><p> </p><p>“Ten points!”</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, what sports do you play?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re <em> literally glowing, </em> man!”</p><p> </p><p>“I, uh,” Steven shook and placed the glass back on the table. He saw the soda and water and ice cubes drip from the sides, “I’ll get a towel! It’ll be okay!”</p><p> </p><p>He turned on his feet and almost tripped on Hubble.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey! What are you doing?”</p><p> </p><p>Hubble nudged him.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Hubble whined and picked up his leash and pushed it into Steven’s hand. Steven took it and held tightly as the dog dragged him to the front door. Kiki ran to open it for them.</p><p> </p><p>Steven went silent, his mouth feeling like it was stuffed with cotton. The waves of the beach sounded like thunder, and the laughter and seagulls like screams. Hubble pulled his arm and he had no will to fight it. </p><p> </p><p>Time did a skip like a broken strip of old film, and he was collapsed on his knees, arms around Hubble, in a crater by his house.</p><p> </p><p>He was pink and gasping for air and he was probably squeezing Hubble too tight and <em> oh no what if he squeezed the life out of him </em>?</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry!” He shouted, releasing Hubble from his death grip. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry. Did I--did I hurt you?” Steven’s hands hovered gingerly over Hubble’s fluffy ears. He seemed okay, but, to be safe…</p><p> </p><p>Steven took Hubble’s head in his hands and kissed the soft fur between his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>There were no sparkles. Hubble was not hurt. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble returned the kiss with twice the slobber. </p><p> </p><p>Steven’s pink faded. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Hubble.”</p><p> </p><p>__</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst rubbed circles over Steven's hunched back. Hubble rested his head on his knees as he cried into his hands.</p><p> </p><p>"Baby steps, Steven. It's great that you got out in public today! Be proud of yourself!" Amethyst consoled.</p><p> </p><p>"But everything went so wrong! It's not fair! I wanted to see my friends but my stupid brain and my stupid gem screwed everything up!"</p><p> </p><p>"I know," Amethyst sighed, "It sucks. It totally sucks. But it's not your fault! I--"</p><p> </p><p>She sighed again and blew the hair out of her eye, "I don't know what to say to help you, I'm sorry. But I love you, man. I'm really happy that you tried to get out today. I'm glad Hubble is helping you."</p><p> </p><p>Steven's hand instinctively moved to find Hubble's head, "Yeah. Yeah, me too. He got me out of there before I started to panic more. Even if it <em>was</em> over something really stupid."</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing about it was stupid, buddy."</p><p> </p><p>An hour later, there was a gentle knock on the screen door. Steven was buried in a nest of fur, with Hubble, Lion, and Cat Steven all finding a spot on the couch with him. He lifted his head from his soft bed to gaze from the couch with his tired eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Amethyst answered the door with a cheerful, and very thankful, voice before turning to the couch.</p><p> </p><p>"We got some company, man!"</p><p> </p><p>Kiki and Jenny stood with a giant pizza and a box of dog treats. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Longer one. Connverse demands screentime. Dialogue heavy. </p><p>You're gonna take my The-Maheswarens-are-like-a-second-family-and-safehouse-to-Steven headcanon and you're gonna like it &gt;:D</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hit the end of my drafted chapters and am now totally in outline mode, meaning i'm probably gonna slow down from here. i actually completely disregarded the outline for this chapter. connverse is fun for me to write because they seem to write themselves and chuck my plan for them out the window. which is also how this got so long lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Connie fell back onto her bed, brain so chock full of information she could feel the words rattle in her head and threaten to fall out. She cradled her phone against her chest, feeling the phantom vibrations of her timer. It was impossible to be at ease when she only had fifteen minutes. </p><p> </p><p>She looked at the twinkly string lights, sighed, and dialed Steven’s number. </p><p> </p><p>“Connie!”</p><p> </p><p>A smile broke across her face as soon as Steven showed up over the video chat. His eyes were starry and he had an infectious grin. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?” she laughed out. Tension melted away from her body one tight muscle at a time. </p><p> </p><p>“You have to meet my dog today! Can I bring him for dinner tonight?”</p><p> </p><p>Every time they talked, Steven was less than enthusiastic about Hubble, and before the decision was made, he complained about his dad’s suggestions of getting a dog. This was a flip of script.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, of course! Mom told me to let you know he’s welcome. You’re so excited, what happened? Yesterday you were sick of him.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was not <em> sick of him </em> , I was just…” his voice got all squeaky in defense, “not <em> thrilled </em> to be having him follow me everywhere.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, so what changed?”</p><p> </p><p>“What changed is that he’s the best dog in the universe! I coulda had the <em> worst </em> day yesterday, but he turned it around! I got out, Jenny and Kiki dropped off some pizza and we listened to Jenny’s new favorite band that’s playing at this festival, and Amethyst and I watched a movie when they left.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sounds like a great day! I’m glad!”</p><p> </p><p>Steven’s starry eyes faded and drifted to the side, “Yeah!” he breathed out, his smile gone.</p><p> </p><p>“You okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah!” he assured, “It was just a bit of a disappointing day, too. I really wanted to go into town, but I couldn’t handle it. I started dissociating at Fish Stew Pizza, and then I started to panic and go pink with all those people around. I wasn’t even there that long. Hubble led me back home before I--before anything else went wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be so hard on yourself! The boardwalk is crazy overwhelming in the summer. Why do you think I always looked for quiet spots on the beach?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but I usually like all the people everywhere. I miss it. I feel like I’ll never get to enjoy it again.”</p><p> </p><p>Connie sat up and hunched over, holding the phone in both hands, “You will! Eventually! It’ll just take some time. It’s hard, I know, but it’ll get better.”</p><p> </p><p>Steven breathed out a laugh, “I hope. I’m--”</p><p> </p><p>She watched him take a deep breath, “I’m proud of myself for trying. That’s a good sign, right? That I’m getting better?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes! You’re getting better, Steven, I promise. Just remember recovery isn’t linear. There will be good days and bad days. And it won’t always feel like you’re better, but progress <em> is </em> happening.”</p><p> </p><p>Connie’s eyes flickered across Steven’s features, looking for a sign of, well a sign of <em> something </em> . Was her response too technical? Was it what he wanted to hear? Or did that not matter because it’s what he <em> needed </em> to hear?</p><p> </p><p>His eyes were trained on something she couldn’t see, Hubble she assumed, and she held her breath.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s so annoying. Brains are dumb,” Steven finally sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Connie released a sigh of her own, tapping her screen to see how much time she had left (a measly twelve minutes), “they are.” </p><p> </p><p>“What’s your mom making tonight?”</p><p> </p><p>“Butter chicken!”</p><p> </p><p>“Nice! Do you think Hubble could eat that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh! I knew this would happen! You’re feeding your dog human food! A dog has very specific nutritional requirements, Steven!”</p><p> </p><p>“But he’s so cute when he looks at me and wants something! I can’t give him <em> nothing </em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“Now you know how everyone else feels with you and your puppy-dog eyes, Mister!”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re one to talk! You have the biggest brown eyes I’ve ever seen! They’re <em> impossible </em> to say no to, and you don’t even try! You don’t even <em> know </em> your true power!”</p><p> </p><p>Connie closed her eyes and blushed.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, ah, ah! Don’t try and hide them now!” </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not,” she giggled, turned to her side and slammed the phone face down into a pillow. </p><p> </p><p>“Really, Maheswaran?” came his muffled voice, “A <em> pillow? </em>”</p><p> </p><p>Connie’s chest felt light and airy. She giggled at Steven’s muffled protests for a few seconds before caving and picking it back up, now repositioned on her stomach. Her knees were bent so her feet swayed rhythmically in the air. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Anyway, </em>” Steven dramatically cleared his throat, “Hubble hasn’t had any issues with the food I’ve been sneaking him, so far. But I won’t risk feeding him something and having him throw up at your house. I’ll be good, I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, thank you. Because my dad will be <em> so </em> offended if he sees you giving his food to the dog. Also, I’ll be mad because those are good leftovers you’re wasting!”</p><p> </p><p>“Hubble is anything but a waste,” he gasped in mock offense, though he probably meant it in some way.</p><p> </p><p>“No, sorry, you’re right. Hubble is worth every scrap of food in the world,” she corrected.</p><p> </p><p>Connie tapped the screen again. Ten minutes. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you checking the time?” </p><p> </p><p>“No!” She blurted.</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s okay. We’re hanging out tonight. If you need to recharge before studying again, we can hang up.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s not that!”</p><p> </p><p>Steven furrowed his eyebrows, “Then what is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know!” </p><p> </p><p>Steven stared at her for a long time through the screen with a blank expression. Her mouth was a tight line as she awaited his response. </p><p> </p><p>He bent down out of view and he heard him whisper to Hubble. She could make out <em> sucha good boy </em> , and - <em> thing’s okay </em>!</p><p> </p><p>Then he appeared back onscreen, face serious, “Connie, do I stress you out? Please be honest with me. If I have to be honest with you, you have to with me.”</p><p> </p><p>Connie’s head dropped with another sigh (an emotional reset, is what her mom called them, and boy did she fill her quota for sighs before noon every day). </p><p> </p><p>“I mean, no, and yes? I get stressed because I’m worried about you and I want to help you with  everything you’re going through. But you also make me so happy and I appreciate every chance I get to talk to you. I keep checking the time cause I don’t want our time to end, but I also just wanna forget everything wrong and go back to studying where none of the problems exist. It’s so complicated.”</p><p> </p><p>“I understand!” Steven jumped. “I get stressed out talking to everyone too! It’s weird! It’s like, we can be laughing and talking about happy things, but there’s this...<em> giant piano </em> hanging over our heads and everyone is pretending it’s not there, and that I don’t have the scissors to cut the rope at any moment right there in my hand!”</p><p> </p><p>Connie nodded, “Yeah, like the tension is there being unspoken. Cause talking about it opens up a whole can of worms.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so glad you feel that way, too,” he flushed, “I-I mean I’m not <em> glad </em> you feel like that, cause it stinks, but I’m glad you said something!”</p><p> </p><p>“Me too.”</p><p> </p><p>Steven chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, “So, uh, what’s your piano?”</p><p> </p><p>“I think we have the same piano? Or a similar one? I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you...scared of me?” </p><p> </p><p>She could hear the barely disguised pain underneath the forced neutrality.</p><p> </p><p>“No! Well, I’m scared <em> for </em> you. It’s like I said. And I’m worried I’m going to upset you, or I’m not supporting you the way I should.”</p><p> </p><p>She rolled onto her back and continued, “But I don’t mean that. I mean, like,” she groaned. </p><p> </p><p>Steven waited, then reminded her, “You can tell me anything, Connie. You mean the world to me.”</p><p> </p><p>She shot him a quick smile, then blew out air through puffed cheeks, “I know I could never understand what it was like for you, and that it was way more traumatic for you, but all the things that bother you, and keep you up at night, and whisper in your ear when you’re alone and everything’s quiet—I feel it too.</p><p> </p><p>“And all those things we went through I feel like has been hanging over our heads, that <em> dumb piano </em>, since we,” she hesitated, “got back from Homeworld.</p><p> </p><p>“And I,” Connie squeezed her eyes shut tight, “I think that’s why we drifted apart. I threw myself into studying because that stupid piano was over my head all the time. Especially with you. And now I realize you’ve needed me and I was just <em> avoiding </em>. I’ve been a bad friend.”</p><p> </p><p>A loud smack snapped her attention to the phone, but she could only manage a single peak through one squinted eye. Steven had slammed a hand on his bed.</p><p> </p><p>“You are <em> not </em> a bad friend, Connie! You’re the best friend I coulda asked for! You’re the best thing that ever happened to me! I love you!”</p><p> </p><p>A strangled noise gurgled in her throat, “I shouldn’t have left you alone on the beach.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?! No! I wanted you to leave! You did the right thing!” </p><p> </p><p>Connie disagreed, but Steven continued.</p><p> </p><p>“And then you did the <em> best thing </em> by calling my dad. I never would have done that. And I needed him.”</p><p> </p><p>(6 minutes.)</p><p> </p><p>“Connie…”</p><p> </p><p>She rubbed her face and stretched and pinched the skin, trying to distract herself from her heavy eyes. She couldn’t cry in front of him right now. It would ruin the whole night. </p><p> </p><p>“Connie…” he said a bit more playfully.</p><p> </p><p>She felt her throat closing up.</p><p> </p><p>“Connie!” </p><p> </p><p>“OKAY! I’m a huge wreck!” She dropped the phone on her chest and threw her arms out to the sides.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, and you’re getting on my case all the time for pretending everything’s okay!” She shied away at the frustration in his voice. Even though he couldn’t see her reaction, he could tell he sounded angry. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” he softened his voice, “I just need you to know we’re in this together! You didn’t just have to be there for me, we had to be there for each other. We both avoided confronting this, and now we both know we’re both struggling and we can be a team! We’re always a team!”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, you’re right.”</p><p> </p><p>The phone sat on her hastily rising and falling chest. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay? Are you still with me?”</p><p> </p><p>Connie made a noise of confirmation. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay. What do you need? Do you need to hang up? Or stay on the phone?”</p><p> </p><p>“Stay on the phone with me, please. Let’s just,” she moved to clutch the phone in a hug, “chill.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>They spent the remaining three minutes just in each other’s presence. </p><p> </p><p>The timer went off.</p><p> </p><p>Steven said nothing, awaiting Connie’s response as she silenced it.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I need to study,” Connie admitted.</p><p> </p><p>“If that’s what you need,” Steven assured, “but we’re talking about this after dinner tonight.”</p><p> </p><p>She inhaled, “Deal.” </p><p> </p><p>She exhaled.</p><p> </p><p>She tilted the phone from her chest and lifted her head to look into it, definitely an unflattering angle, “I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Steven smiled, wiping tears from his eyes, “I love you, too.”</p><p> </p><p>She got up from her bed and walked over to her desk.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re gonna love Hubble,” Steven mentioned.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I will,” Connie smiled before hanging up. </p><p> </p><p>__</p><p> </p><p>Dinner went better than it ever did with the Maheswarans, and that was saying something because he always felt safe there. But with Hubble’s presence, the atmosphere felt even lighter, like he could actually joke around and laugh. Previously, dinners with the Maheswarens were calm and quiet and pressure-free, and he liked it (it was what he needed, and it was what they intended to provide for him when he came over), but it felt good to have <em>fun</em> with them.</p><p> </p><p>After dinner, Steven and Connie went up to her bedroom (door open, halfway at <em> least</em>, of course) and laid in bed with Hubble between them. </p><p> </p><p>They talked until they ran out of things to talk about, and then they mumbled random observations about each other, about life, about anything on their minds. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble licked their faces when they were stressed, and got plenty of belly rubs to everyone’s benefit. </p><p> </p><p>Priyanka peaked her head in at one in the morning when she finally stopped hearing the indistinct voices down the hall and decided there was no harm in letting Steven sleep over tonight, and they were able to share their first peaceful night’s sleep in months.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi im so bad at responding to all your nice comments! all i know how to say really is thank you because i just appreciate so much that you enjoy my writing enough to feel compelled to comment and let me know! it's an honor and it means a lot! sorry if i take a while to respond to comments from here on out! i got classes restarting. i wish everyone well. stay safe and sane during these interesting times &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>heavier chapter here. steven's having a rough morning.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was approximately two months since his breakdown, one and a half since he started therapy, and two weeks since he got Hubble. The question of the day was, <em> was he getting better? </em></p><p> </p><p>Everyone said he was, but being told this over and over felt hollow. </p><p> </p><p>Every encouragement felt like he was disappointing people, every emotion was overwhelming, every day felt like he was just struggling to get back into bed that night.</p><p> </p><p>And then it just started right back up again and he’d tell himself <em> it’s a new day! It’s a new day Steven! Just make it better than the last one! </em> because he was an optimistic person dammit! He was persistent! He doesn’t give up! He’s Steven Universe!</p><p> </p><p>But then he’d do one thing to ruin it, to break whatever mental streak he had going (days since last anger outburst, days since last panic attack, days since last crying spell, days since last dissociation or flashback, days since last upsetting thought—maybe hours were a better increment to measure that one), and he’d feel like he couldn’t possibly sink any lower into the trenches.</p><p> </p><p>The pressure as he sunk would build until he exploded and lost all of his senses. And that’s when he didn’t understand how he dared to ask <em> I’m getting better, right? </em> and have people feel obligated to say <em> yes, of course you are! </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They’re lying to you to make you feel better! And they’re lying because you’re needy and want validation! But you don’t deserve validation! You deserve to be miserable!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t want to wake up and face another day. He woke up angry. He woke up wishing to fall back to sleep and never wake up, but he knew nightmares and stress dreams would haunt him. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone wanted him to get better, that’s why they said he was, because they were lying to themselves, too. </p><p> </p><p>He just hurt everyone with every little thing he did. He had no control, and when he tried to enact any bit of it, it blew up in his and everyone else’s faces.</p><p> </p><p>He was a bad person but he knew he didn’t want to be a bad person. He didn’t want to hurt people, or at least, he didn’t <em>want</em> to want to hurt people. </p><p> </p><p>Pearl was making him breakfast again. And when she was done she went up to his room to make his bed for him and pick up any mess he left. Because he couldn’t do the simplest things himself. He had to have other people take care of him.</p><p> </p><p>And maybe it was Pearl’s fault too! Maybe she needs to stop hovering over the stupid things so he could do it himself! Maybe if she just chilled out for two seconds!</p><p> </p><p>She returned back downstairs and tried to make conversation. She was too chipper. And everything she said or did grated on his nerves and pulled at his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“How was dinner the other night with the Maheswarans?”</p><p> </p><p>Steven stabbed his fork through some tofu scramble with a loud <em> clink</em>! </p><p> </p><p>“It was fine,” he whispered, stuffing the anxiety down into his stomach with the next bite of food.</p><p> </p><p>Pearl’s cheeriness dropped right away and he could feel her analyzing him, <em> criticizing him, looking for something wrong, something to point out, to point out how awful he is</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Steven? Are you having a bad day?” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Translation. Why are you being an ass? Are you going to be difficult again? Am I going to have to deal with you? Why can’t you be normal? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Hubble jumped onto his lap and licked his face to calm his nerves, but he only felt his body tense up more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Hubble is here to fix you because you can’t fix yourself because you’re all broken and wrong! It’s so obvious that even a dog can tell you’re an awful person! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His body glowed and with a showy <em> UGH! </em>he pushed his seat from the table. The chair legs scraped across the wooden planks. He stood up with balled fists and turned right back around to his room.</p><p> </p><p>Hubble whined at his heels.</p><p> </p><p>“No!” He pointed a finger and said in a tight voice, “Leave me alone!”</p><p> </p><p>Pearl rushed forward, “Steven, wait just a minute!”</p><p> </p><p>She was desperate. She knew she screwed up and had <em> that tone</em>, but she honestly didn’t mean it! She loved him, and cared about him and he blew up at her for no reason!</p><p> </p><p>He sped up on his way up the stairs, Hubble still following.</p><p> </p><p>He fell face first into his freshly made bed and fisted the comforter, threatening to rip it. </p><p> </p><p>He had such a good few days! But he ruined the streak like he ruins everything! </p><p> </p><p>He wanted to scream and go back down there and punch through Pearl’s physical form for causing this! </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She didn’t cause this. You did, you monster! Go down and add another person to your attempted murder list and prove to everyone how screwed up you are if you want! I dare you!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Fists moved from the comforter to beat against his head. These dumb broken thoughts in his dumb broken brain get out get OUT <em> GET OUT! </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Or do everyone else a favor and shatter yourself!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Shut UP!” </p><p> </p><p>The bed jerked and shifted causing Steven’s eyes to snap open just as a weight was felt on his chest. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble was sprawled out on top of him, his wet nose just grazing his chin when he bent his head down.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Steven gasped through freshly falling tears, “No, you can’t just <em> make everything go away </em>!” </p><p> </p><p>He took the back of his arm and brushed Hubble off, making him struggle for balance on the bed until he jumped back to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>His head bowed with ears pinned back, and the whites of his eyes were visible as he looked up.</p><p> </p><p>Steven groaned into his hands, “Stop <em> looking </em> at me like that!” </p><p> </p><p>Energy prickled underneath the surface of his skin. He wanted to break something, to yell and let everything in his environment turn to dust. </p><p> </p><p>But he didn’t <em> really </em> want that. He didn’t want to hurt Hubble. He didn’t even want to scare him, and he was doing that plenty right now.</p><p> </p><p>He shouted and swiftly turned and punched his pillow. </p><p> </p><p>“That didn’t help at all!” He moaned immaturely and spun back into the bed and wailed into his hands. </p><p> </p><p>Hubble made his second attempt.</p><p> </p><p>Steven stifled the urge to throw him across the room in frustration, “Why am I like this?!” </p><p> </p><p>Hubble tilted his head.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to be this way! I want to be normal! I don’t <em> want </em> to be angry, a-and sad and scared all the time!” </p><p> </p><p>Hubble shifted up on his chest and gave him a lick.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you even still here? I’m awful to you.”</p><p> </p><p>The hands pulling at his own curls drifted down to Hubble’s. They were much softer and they were brushed, unlike his. Because <em> he </em> brushed him, and rubbed his belly, and took him for walks, and Hubble loved every minute of the time they spent together. </p><p> </p><p>He was blurry in Steven’s tear-filled eyes, but he could see his black nose come closer to sniff at his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>“Do I take good care of you?” He sniffled.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Of course not. You don’t know what the heck you’re doing, and you yell at him twice a day! You come close to hurting him all the time when he’s just trying to help you! There you go asking for pointless validation again! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ...You’re wrong. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He could feel the air being fanned by his wagging tail. A big pink tongue lapped up every one of his tears.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a good boy, I love you. I love you, you good boy.” </p><p> </p><p>__</p><p> </p><p>"Steven?" Pearl tested from the bottom of the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?" he called back down.</p><p> </p><p>"May I come up?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sure."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl's delicate footsteps barely made a sound on the floorboards, so it was like she teleported when she entered his room. He flinched when he opened his eyes to see her just a few feet away from his bed. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you," she blushed.</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay."</p><p> </p><p>"It's not okay. I didn't react appropriately this morning. I hope you can forgive me," she had her hands clasped tightly in front of her stomach with her eyes trained on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>Steven blinked, "I hope you can forgive <em>me</em>. I was in a really bad mood. I acted like a little kid."</p><p> </p><p>"You're allowed to be in a bad mood! You don't have to hide it when you are. I didn't mean to sound...critical. I just meant," she fiddled with her fingers, "I just meant to check in on you."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>"There's nothing to thank me for. I knew you were up here upset and I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. I'm so sorry."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you for making my bed and cleaning my room. Oh, and making me breakfast."</p><p> </p><p>Pearl smiled, "You're welcome."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think anyone really <em>knows</em> what to do or how to help, and not even I know what I need," Steven rubbed Hubble's belly, "but we'll figure it out together, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Pearl nearly burst out crying, but she kept it together.</p><p> </p><p>"Right. I love you, Steven. I'm so proud of the person you are. Every single day."</p><p> </p><p>Whether or not Steven believed it himself, he smiled, feeling as choked up as Pearl was, "Thanks, Pearl. I love you, too."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves. This is a difficult time, and even though we're all mostly physically alone, just remember you're not alone. Everyone is struggling through this craziness and I wish everyone safety, health, and love and happiness. Sorry for a heavier chapter here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>for some reason this chapter kicked my butt. thanks to all the people who worked out my ideas with me over discord!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Steven was one big mystery in the time between their winter break, where he almost crushed them in a dome, and their spring break, where a giant monster was terrorizing his side of the beach.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Life got in the way and they didn’t keep in touch, and besides a few sightings when he was out and about, Steven was off the radar for the kids (they were young adults now, but they’d still be known as the kids for a while) of Beach City.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Until Sadie and Shep’s tour was cut short because of a call from Connie, about Steven being in the hospital</span>
  <em>
    <span>,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Greg had to be there for him immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She texted Steven, and she let everyone else know they should text him too, but it was like he fell off the face of the earth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then there was the monster fiasco, and once everything calmed down the kids all got together and decided to visit him as a team. Sadie and Shep, the twins, Buck, and Sour Cream stormed the beach with three boxes of pizza in their arsenal. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But when they arrived, his house was in shambles, with no sign of Steven, and instead a bunch of gems at work with repairs. Sadie recognized Garnet and approached her, the rest of the team hanging back for a moment of hesitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, uh, Garnet, right? Is Steven around?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garnet’s mouth twitched, and after a moment, she bowed her head, “Steven’s in the hospital.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The team gasped and closed the distance to stand directly behind Sadie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Again?! What happened? Is he okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garnet didn’t answer, so Sadie made a worried guess, “Oh no, did that monster hurt him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The gem grimaced. Her head tilted up as she adjusted her visor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, he’s in the hospital because of the monster.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sour Cream stepped forward, “Is there anything we can do? We, like, haven’t seen or heard from the dude.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. Kid’s been ignoring my texts!” Jenny exclaimed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re just really worried,” said Kiki. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A warm smile crossed the gem’s face, “I’m sure he’d appreciate you all making the effort to come check on him. I’ll let him know you stopped by.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garnet ended the conversation prematurely by walking away, despite the many questions still lingering among them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sadie turned, “Well, should we visit him in the hospital then?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They shared some glances and then found themselves in a car without any more hesitation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>__</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Greg looked ten years older, but his face became five years younger when he saw them all walk in. He warned them that Steven was really down, and to be patient and gentle with him, then left to go to the cafeteria.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven never met anyone’s eyes, but they could still see how sunken they were. His skin looked pale, and his body was hunched over like a frail old man’s. He moved like he was fighting invisible strings restricting his movements.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What </span>
  <em>
    <span>happened</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Steven?” said Sadie, sitting on the side of the bed. Steven drew his knees up and inched away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That monster was crazy, glad to see you’re not hurt too bad,” Buck stood by the IV pump and spared it an interested glance. Nothing was infusing at the moment, he noted to himself, though there was an empty bag of saline and a benzodiazepine with Steven’s name on it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven’s knees snapped tight to his chest and his cheeks flushed a familiar bright pink, “Uh, um, well, yeah it was c-crazy. Um, thanks for coming to visit. You guys didn’t have to, um, have to,” his breath hitched and his hands slapped against his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“S-sorry,” he choked out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Steven, hey, it’s okay! You don’t have to talk about it!” Sadie reached her hand to touch his shoulder, but he flinched away, now huddled up in the corner of the bed. Sadie bit her lip and stood up to give him space. She backed into Shep who draped their arm over her shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Your business is your business,” Jenny waved her hands out in front of her, “we’re just here to cheer you up!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven peeked a teary eye through his fingers. Some pink could still be seen through his hands. He took a deep breath through his nose and exhaled, and his cheeks returned to a normal color. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, guys. I’m okay. Dad and I are going to be staying at Connie’s house until my house is fixed, starting tomorrow. They uh, they don’t really know what to do with me here,” he laughed dryly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well what’s the problem? You don’t seem hurt,” Jenny asked. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kiki elbowed her and added, “Only if you’re okay to talk about it. We can talk about something else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s uh, it’s okay. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to you guys. It was a...a crazy week.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sadie nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We understand. Do you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to talk about it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven scratched his nose, “Mmm, nah. It wasn’t that big a deal.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course it was a big deal!” Steven jerked his head up at Sadie’s spike in volume, then quickly averted his eyes back to the middle distance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Steven, you were in the hospital last week, and now you’re here again after a monster attack. Your dad said something was really wrong and he needed to postpone our tour,” she explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shep interjected, “Which we’re totally okay with. Your health is way more important than our tour.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Sadie shot them a grateful glance, “Yeah it really is, I’m just saying because something is clearly wrong and you won’t tell us!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can talk to us, Steven,” said Kiki.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, man, you’re such a cool dude and we’re your friends,” added Sour Cream.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatever happened, we’ll be there for you as best we can,” Buck nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven sniffled and wiped away tears, “I really don’t deserve it,” he muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?! Do you have any idea how much we love you? You’re such an awesome person!” said Jenny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re a real champ! You can be real with us. We’ll listen,” Buck pat Jenny on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, sorry to interrupt. You can tell us anything, Steven,” she corrected.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven sighed. His knees dropped, shaking the bed with the sudden movement, and his hands fell to his lap. He stared at them, and took one of his hands and ran his thumb across the other’s palm. He squeezed it and his shoulders hunched even more. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I just, um, I just got diagnosed with uh, PTSD?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t help but fidget with his arms and hands as he spoke, crossing and uncrossing them, giving himself a hug, clasping his hands together and unclasping, anything to keep his body moving, however slowly against those invisible restraints.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And um,” his voice cracked, he scratched his nose again and mumbled, “depression and anxiety, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The room was silent as they let him breathe, let themselves process and decide how to respond. He continued after another sniffle. His hands were visibly shaking. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They asked me a ton of questions, and next thing I know they were telling me all these things, about trauma and mental illness and coping mechanisms, and different places I could go for help, and they have a sitter for me like I’m a little kid when dad’s not here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He straightened out his arm closest to the pump to show off his IV, which sported a touch of dried blood under the dressing, “And they put this thing in me to give me medicine to calm down ‘cause I can’t get a grip. I really did some awful, </span>
  <em>
    <span>awful</span>
  </em>
  <span> things, I,” his chest spasmed with a sob, “I’m really messed up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gave the IV a little poke (probably probing actions like that that led to the bits of blood) and buried his head in his arms, his hands gripping his hair, “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kids were shocked, but at the same time, it made so much sense that they felt stupid for never thinking about it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They knew Steven dealt with an entirely different world than them, and that it was scary and confusing. But it was a world he was used to, and it seemed like he handled it so well, so they never thought it could affect him like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’d laugh amongst themselves, praising Steven for dealing with the things he deals with, because they never could. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah I’m here complaining about my homework, and Steven’s fighting another monster. I could never.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Steven’s such a champ. I don’t know how he does it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That kid’s got so much on his plate. And that’s just normal for him, like, how the heck does he do it?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was never normal, because Steven was still just a human and a kid. And they were never there for him like he was there for them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ve been,” Sadie paused, mouth agape, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>such</span>
  </em>
  <span> bad friends.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Having voiced everyone’s thoughts, they collectively nodded. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>__</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven didn’t say much else the rest of their visit, but they sat with him and told him about their time at school or with their gigs, and played some games with him, until visiting hours ended and they had to go home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They promised to each other they’d try their hardest to be there for Steven, even as they had to go back to other responsibilities, but it was impossible to reach him. He never answered his phone. They hoped the summer would be different, when they could visit him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>__</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And then we listened to some music with him and he seemed pretty good! He was like, really quiet? But I think he liked our company. We got him to laugh and he was really curious about what we’ve been up to,” Jenny explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The purple one, Amethyst? She was really appreciative that we came by,” Kiki added from the other end of the room, wiping down the table in the corner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck moved to grab another towel and help her with the rest of the restaurant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh! Thanks, Buck.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No problem. So, that was last week? Did he seem better than when he was in hospital?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think that dog of his is helping. And he’s been going to therapy. He seemed better, but like, we can’t really know for sure what he’s dealing with, you know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sour Cream nodded, “Steven knows how to give off good vibes, even when he’s in the pits.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon at the clock struck eleven, it was business as usual. Kofi burst in to shove the kids out, saying if they aren’t customers, they can’t hang around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jenny, Buck, and Sour Cream moved to their next hotspot on the bench outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Soooo, did he say anything about hanging out with us?” asked Sour Cream</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh come on, what do you think? Steven doesn’t wanna be at a </span>
  <em>
    <span>festival</span>
  </em>
  <span> with all that loud music and crowds of people, but I still wanted to offer, you know? Give him the choice. He said he’d think about it, but it’s a no.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We can do something chill with him, like a movie night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Buck reclined with his head resting on the back of the bench, “Yeah, I bet Steven just needs a safe, low-stimulus environment with some friends who won’t put any pressure on him. And he needs to laugh. Laughter is important.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to medical school or are you a psych major?” Jenny teased.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The psychological health is just as important as the physical health in a person’s quality of life. Plus it’ll be a fun night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m in. I could use a break from raves.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, what’s he handing out?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jenny pointed to Ronaldo who shoved flyers into the hands of passersby. He spouted some stuff about his blog at them and then made his way over to them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Whatcha got there?” Jenny asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>got</span>
  </em>
  <span> the </span>
  <em>
    <span>truth</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” Ronaldo handed a flyer to each of them, “Look!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kids swallowed any snide or teasing comments about how the last thing they wanted was to hear about one of Ronaldo’s theories. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The flyer was a blurry photo of the big pink monster from two months ago, with the words </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pink Kaiju Living Among Us? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were different bubbles pointing out details and relating them to similarities to other gem corruptions over the years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their eyes caught on the biggest block of information, a circle with a zoom up of the creature’s belly, and another low-quality closeup photo of Steven’s gem next to it for comparison.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You see, the monster seemed to come out of nowhere, then disappear like nothing, all on the beachfront property of none other than Steven Universe, whose house, by the way, was completely destroyed. It required the strength of even the gem matriarchs to contain, meaning whatever this monster was had to have had a power equal to or more powerful than the highest level of the gem empire.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and? What’s your point?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, combined with the fact that this monster was </span>
  <em>
    <span>pink</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I can possibly make out a gem in its navel region, I believe this monster was Steven </span>
  <em>
    <span>himself</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? Seriously? Ronaldo why would you spread this? Steven would be so upset,” Jenny crumpled up the flyer and tossed it in the trash can. Buck and Sour Cream followed her lead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be a jerk, man. Steven’s a great guy,” Buck stood up and faced Ronaldo. He was smaller than him, but he still squared up his shoulders as if he knew he couldn’t possibly be knocked down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, of course, but even the greatest guys have their limits,” Ronaldo said, pushing his glasses in place, a gleam obscuring his eyes, “It’s the burden heroes face. The pressure builds until they snap, and they become as horrible as the monsters they’re sworn to protect the world from.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dude!” Jenny yelled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What the heck, man?!” Sour Cream stood and joined Buck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Has anyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>seen</span>
  </em>
  <span> Steven since the monster attack? He’s probably hiding away in shame, afraid to hurt anyone. He has a heavy burden, knowing the damage he’s capable of.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jenny waved her hands, “You need to shut your face before we shut it for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop it with these flyers,” Buck said, yanking the stack from him and throwing them in the trash. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Ronaldo moved to fish the stack out, but Sour Cream blocked him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to think about how Steven would feel, about you spreading this rumor about him,” he explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The public deserves to know the truth! That the town hero could snap at any moment! That he might go to the dark side. That he already might have and it’s too late and we’re all doomed! He can’t run from the monster inside!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just shut up, Ronaldo. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Leave Steven alone. Kiki and I spent a night with him just last week, and he’s having a hard time. He doesn’t need you telling everyone in town that he’s a monster who can’t be trusted. That’s just mean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The truth isn’t always </span>
  <em>
    <span>nice</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Ronaldo spat, “but I understand how you’d choose comfort over the difficult reality in front of you. You’ll see.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo turned and started walking away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Leave it alone, man!” Buck called after him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The kids shared a look of disgust and sat back down on the bench, collectively staring blankly at the boardwalk in front of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really think he’s right, though? That the monster was Steven?” Sour Cream broke the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Buck whispered, “I think he might be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does that really change anything, though?” Jenny asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it doesn’t,” said Buck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They agreed with that, but still spent most of the afternoon in silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>__</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo hurried up the steps of the beachhouse with his phone ready. He slicked back his hair and adjusted his glasses and the collar of his shirt before giving the door a practiced knock.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven was inside on the couch. He looked up and his eyebrows furrowed. As he made his way to the door, Ronaldo noticed a dog trailing behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven opened the door and gave him a reserved smile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ronaldo, hey. Uh, what’s up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dog squeezed through Steven’s leg and the doorframe to position himself between the two. Steven took a step back into his house.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want answers about that pink kaiju, Steven.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven’s eyes widened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dog’s nose nudged against Ronaldo’s knee. Ronaldo stepped back and looked down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm. You got a dog?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven cleared his throat, “Yeah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A regular old dog? It’s not magic or anything?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope, just a regular old awesome normal dog.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hm. Well, I want the truth about the monster. I have evidence that that monster was </span>
  <em>
    <span>you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Steven, and I’m determined to find out what happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven started to glow, energy pulsing like a rapid heartbeat. Ronaldo gaped and was about to yell out in amazement, but the dog caught his attention when it started to pant and nudge Steven inside. Steven shook his head and gently swatted him away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remained a bright pink, but his voice was eerily calm, “Ronaldo, I need you not to tell everybody. Don’t put it on your blog, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It’s my business. I didn’t…I didn’t mean to...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So I’m correct! You were the monster,” Ronaldo pushed his phone screen into Steven’s face, a video of the monster being restrained in the ocean from a distance. It blurred with each sudden movement, but sharpened when the camera zoomed in and focused on the monster as it roared.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven yanked the phone out of his hand and bent over the screen, eyes fixed on it. He turned away slightly, so he couldn’t see his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This...you posted this, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course! I post everything weird in Beach City on my blog.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you...you didn’t tell anyone it was me, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo rubbed the back of his neck, “Uh, well I kinda already handed out a ton of flyers on my theory, because the public deserves the truth, and now I have it! Straight from the source! And I got it on video!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah!” Ronaldo took the phone from Steven’s hands and exited out of the blogging app and swiped to the camera app. Sure enough, it was recording.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven took a deep breath, “Ronaldo. Delete that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? I can’t do that!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you can. Just click the trash bin icon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you attempting to withhold information, hm? What else are you hiding?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven tensed, fists and teeth clenched, “Ronaldo this is none of your business.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s everyone’s business when you’re putting people in danger!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven inhaled sharply and turned away from the door. He cradled his head as he paced in the kitchen, facing away from Ronaldo. The dog followed at his heels, licking his bare feet at every step. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven came to a halt, and he could see his shoulders rise and fall with slow, deep breaths. His hand dropped from his head to wipe something from his face, he gave the dog a pat on the head, then he turned back towards the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pink glow faded, but his face was red and eyes watery. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ronaldo, I’m not dangerous. My therapist says so.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo lowered his phone. “Therapist?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. When I get triggered, I turn pink, but it’s not dangerous. It’s just a stress response. I can control it. I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>learning</span>
  </em>
  <span> to control it. I’ve even got Hubble here to help me. The monster thing happened because I made...some mistakes. I kinda,” he took another breath, “I felt like a monster so I turned into one. It’s a gem thing. I’m getting help for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven shifted, took yet another breath, and wiped at his eyes again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. I don’t wanna hurt anyone, I promise. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>won’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> hurt anyone. I’m always afraid I’m gonna hurt someone, but Hubble’s been with me every second and I’ve taken such good care of him. I’m getting the help I need, and I’m asking you to </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span> respect my privacy. I get that you’re worried but </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Ronaldo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This has been so hard for me and my family. I can’t deal with people knowing more than they need to. Can you—“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven paused again. His eyes scanned Ronaldo’s face. His eyebrows unfurrowed, and his pleading voice evened out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ronaldo, can you handle this burden? I can’t trust the every man with something this monumental. I think it’s in everyone’s best interest we protect them from the truth.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo’s grip on his phone tightened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He worried that hurting Steven might be necessary for the greater good, that he’d unfortunately have to set aside his friendship in favor of humanity’s safety. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that wasn’t the case. If he leaked this information to the world, he would be fear-mongering. He’d be creating chaos, not preventing it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was a fool.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m a fool!” He shouted and dropped to his knees.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven stepped back again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If the public found out about this, there would be no rest for you and the Crystal Gems </span>
  <em>
    <span>or</span>
  </em>
  <span> humanity. We’d destroy the foundation of trust between the species that we’ve worked so hard to achieve. You’re right, Steven. After all we’ve—”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo cleared his throat and straightened and placed his hands on Steven’s shoulders, “after all </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’ve</span>
  </em>
  <span> done, you don’t deserve the fallout of your mistake. The public will be better off not knowing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Steven nodded and patted his arms before pushing them off of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ronaldo. I knew I could count on you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo watched the video, eyes trained on Steven’s facial expressions in reaction to the monster footage. There was guilt, horror, and pain in those eyes he hadn’t seen before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He played back Steven’s pleas, his explanation of him getting therapy and help. How he feared hurting people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo’s television shows that showed the hero being cut down from their pedestal, giving in to their dark side, and moving on from their time carrying the burden of the world with ease, were all just fantasy. No hero would realistically move on unscathed from their perilous journey.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that simple and it most certainly wasn’t cool or admirable when it was Steven. When it was Steven, it was sad and felt unfair. Steven shouldn’t have to deal with the ramifications of being a hero. He deserved a happy ending like all the other heroes in his shows. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo’s thumb hovered over the trash bin icon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo was glad Steven was getting the help he needed. Maybe he’d help too by lending him some calming slice-of-life anime. Anything he could do to help his friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ronaldo clicked delete and said a sad goodbye to his precious evidence. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here are my tumblr posts about this dog AU for those interested: </p><p>some art: https://aanau.tumblr.com/post/613335700133265408<br/>https://aanau.tumblr.com/post/613800901240569856<br/>https://aanau.tumblr.com/post/613301180626583552</p><p>COVER ART: https://aanau.tumblr.com/post/613930468992303104<br/>COVER ART ARTIST: https://suf-fering.tumblr.com/</p></blockquote></div></div>
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